Thirteen Christmases, thirteen birthdays, thirteen summers and thirteen times around the sun.
156 months. 156 calendar flips
4747 days in a row, including weekends and holidays! 4747 days waking up without the regret of not knowing what happened the day before. No need to apologize for a drunken mistake. No longer the morning scramble of piecing together the previous day.
I turned 47 this year. Numbers are fun. Lucky 13 and interesting 47.
13 Years clean & sober!
If I am honest, this has been the most difficult year for me.
The grief of losing some amazing cornerstone people in my life knocked the wind out of me and got me to my knees.
I doubted my King and His goodness. I shook my fist and stomped my feet.
I cried and I almost gave up. The kind of ‘give up’ you do not talk about in polite company.
His faithful, steadfast, constant, patient, loving Fatherhood held me tight and sat with me in my grief. He listened to my rants and HE grieved with me. He never left even when I was so very ugly. His Love carried me. I denied it but, in my heart, I knew it. He waited for me to turn to HIM. I when I looked at HIM with my tear-stained snotty face, HE grabbed me and held me tight. There was not even a hint of condemnation, admonishment, or rebuke in HIS eyes. It was so clear, HIS words….
“Hi my daughter. There you are! I am so glad you’re looking at me as THE filter to process all of this! I am right here and always have been and always will be. It’s ok, I have you!”
Once again and still, HE is rescuing me, saving me, often from myself, and teaching me more and more of who HE is and how my identity is wrapped up in HIS. The more I know HIM the more I start to see my truest identity. Not because of who I am, or the things I am capable of, but because of WHO HE is.
Plans are funny things. We need them to get stuff done. And lists! Oh man I love a good list with my plans! I am the person who adds things I have already done to the list so I can cross it off! Took a shower? Check! Had a cup of coffee? Check!
I had plans for my life. I was going to spend the next 20 years at the job I love and volunteer with OmegaNW one day a week and any other time I could squeeze in. That is how I had been doing it and how OmegaNW had been running for 8 years. It was successful in its mission. It was a solid plan.
But in the turmoil of my grief, HIS plan emerged. Something I never thought possible or honestly thought I wanted, was presented to me. It actually unfolded more than presented. It was like the first thing on a list with nothing to follow. Scary for sure. After this last year of doubt, fear,and grief, would I trust Him?
(Could I trust Him?)
I stepped away from the job I loved in complete confidence the next thing on the list would appear. That it wouldn’t suck, that it would at least be tolerable. So maybe not a ton a confidence in that step.
The next item on the list was play. What? We don’t have time for that. Who will do all the things? Who will pay the bills and find the next job? Seriously? Play?
Once again do I trust HIM?
So, I made a list of play items…. I couldn’t help myself. I kayaked 2 times a week, I took a trip and connected with old friends and explored and soaked in all HIS goodness. I glamped, I fished, I hiked, I prayed for a bear and I saw one! I watched the sun rise and set multiple times in Montana’s beautiful big sky! I procured a totem pole. (Fun story, ask me later) I nostalgically attended 2 homecoming parades and 2 great football games. And I rested! Oh, how I needed a rest. A deep soul-mind- body rest.
Grieving is hard work, and wrestling with the Lord is not for the faint of heart.
But the mysterious next step was slowly being revealed. He used a stirring in my heart, and it was confirmed by conversations with my mentors, the board of OmegaNW and solid friends.
The full-time job/career I needed to find when I was done playing was waiting for me all along.
As of January 1st, 2023, I became the Executive Director of OmegaNW.
Oh, how HE loves me.
I co-founded OmegaNW 8 years ago from a desire for other women to know what I learned; that I am loved by the Creator of all things, by the King of Kings, the One and only God! Me! And I just knew there were other women who needed to know this truth. OmegaNW began out of this desire of sharing HIS love and hope. I never thought this dream would be something I could do full time. I mean, doing this thing I love for a living? No way! I get to sit with women who think they are too far gone, that their mess ups and past are too messy for our God. I get the privilege of telling them that HE loves them more than they can even imagine, and HE has really great plans for them!
My story is not the exception. My sobriety and my redeemed life, while a complete Heavenly miracle, is not a one off. It is how HE works! HE loves to take our messes and show us a new way and new life. That’s HIS full-time job!
What’s next on the list? Great question. I don’t know. I know that settling into this new position and leaning on HIM yet again, is my job. The next thing will appear and I will laugh and shake my head and maybe even stomp a little as I say Yes Lord, Yes!